621. six hundred and twenty one days. huh. is that a long time? i think so. its been eternity for me. but i can recall all the memories that were made. i had no idea what was going to happen to me. unlike my sister, who during the summer before her senior year had 20 boyfriends, i only had one. and it was a friendship that didnt work out as a 2 month relationship. i thought: ok, now what do i do? ive never really had a "boyfriend" before and i was unfamiliar with the exact way of going about things. was i supposed to look? or wait? i chose waiting, and boy did it pay off. never in a million years would i think i would meet someone like him. it was like those movies where the person is in slow motion, and you want to be with them… but you never think you have a chance. he was my slow motion. funny how things work out, because i was apparently his too. why were we both there? what made him decided to wake up and go chill with those particular friends? what made me decide to chill with mine? how were we to know they would have randomly met at the mall, and become friends? what if they never went to the mall and said hey to each other? none of this would have ever happened. and not only do i believe in fate, but nothing is a coincidence. i know that everything worked out perfectly, and the unlikeliest of the entire situation worked out perfectly. from that moment, looking into his eyes i knew. it was a spark. a connection like none other. like this was right, and i was supposed to meet him. my life changed. i had no idea how much. the summer of 2006 was a whirlwind of memories. laughing for hours, sneaking around, learning about each other, growing together, falling in love. it was amazing. but every side has another, and i would find out the hard way.
i was young. i was confused. i was overwhelmed. so many emotions were flying around in my head. fear, confusion, apprehension, adoration, i didnt know what to do, and the time i had to run away. that was the biggest mistake i ever made. answering the phone that night is my only regret in my life to this day. i was scared, alone, and regretful. i will leave it at that. the months following crept by and minutes felt like years. i wish the feelings i had inside on no one. guilt. blame. questions. never in my life have i had questions flying around in my head daily. i wrote letters, that i couldn’t send. i sang our songs. i wore the hoodie, just to feel him around me. i cried. i was lonely and the one person that made me feel better, couldnt be there. no one really understood why i felt the way i did. but i knew, they wouldnt. no one knew what we went through. i didnt expect anyone to believe my feelings or emotions.
i cant sit here and say that i thought it was over. i thought never again would i know. these questions would never be answered, and i would never get closure. i had to accept it. crazy how unexpected life is. when you think you know, you have no idea. and thank god, because i would be a completely different person. rekindling flames is scary and exciting, especially when the person feels the same as you. 2007 was an amazing year. literally ups and downs, but everything always worked out. each day that passed by made me stronger and i grew closer to the one person that meant everything to me. not only was i afraid, but i wanted it. i felt like a rebel but i knew that it was right. how can you let something go that you cant go a day without thinking about it? i know i cant. this year made me the fighter that i am today. fighting for what you love is worth it, because it means that much more to you when you make it. i was happier than i have ever been in my entire life, until reality sunk back in and i had to let go again. little did i know this time would be different.
i tried so hard to make everything right. i tried to help when everyone else wouldnt. i was here when days were bad. i tried so hard. although i know life is extremely difficult especially in our circumstances, i always believed it could be done. each time something bad happened we got through. through our prayer and understanding we made it. each battle made me stronger, but i think it may have torn him down. without knowing what was really going on, i was let go. the one person that i want to spend my life with, left me and i didnt fully know why. there are so many scenarios that could be the case. how can i sit here and brainstorm without going crazy about it? i guess im just so extremely emotionally, physically, mentally drained. its so hard to try and have someone not feel it anymore. i was feeling lonely and like an annoyance, when the only thing i wanted to do was make him happy.
i cant pretend. i cant pretend that it didnt hurt every time he said he would call me back and didnt. i cant pretend that it didnt hurt seeing the pictures and comments. i cant pretend i didnt get mad. i cant pretend that i wanted it to be normal. im human and i have those feelings. my issues with trust stemmed from the fact that situations arose to cause my trust to be tested. rather than reassurance i got annoyance. what did i do wrong? although i would get angry, because i knew times were hard, i didnt want to bother with the small stuff. but it all built up inside me. was that fair? for either of us? no, but being fair is not the basis of a relationship. trust, honesty, love, understanding, forgiveness and faithfulness hold people together.
the actuality of the situation is that i love someone with my entire heart. everything i do reminds me of him. every song, place, clothing, food, movie, connects back to him. its because when you spend so much time with someone, the amount of conversations, jokes, and laughs are limitless. when you lose that person, all the memories are still there. good and bad. when you fight with someone, you make up and forgive each other, therefore, the good times out way any bad, and you remember all the good things about someone. i cant forget the way he sings, the way he always makes me laugh, the way he plays football, the way he holds me, the way he comforts me, the way he touches me, the way he makes me forget about the bad, the way he makes me want to be better. its overwhelming, in an amazing way to be loved by someone and to love them back. you want to do things for them, simply to make their day better. if things are rough, you want to hug them. i already miss the shells, his nails, and kisses. 
haha its tough to try to move on from something that you want more than anything. leaving now will make me feel like everything i preached about before was false. that feeling will kill me. not only am i losing a lover, but a best friend. sharing everything with someone is wonderful. when great things happen, i will want to share, but i cant. i only wish that same guy with the smile and sunglasses would remember the first day, like me. remember that time we sang dangerously in love in each others ear while slow dancing in the living room. remember when we ate pizza rolls and peach slushes while playing playstation. remember washing the truck together. remember the trips to the mall. remember the mornings at my house in the big comfy chair. remember the nights talking in my car. remember watching baby boy, kind of. remember crying together, laughing together, and taking pictures. remember the book i made you. remember it all. each and everyday that my love grew deeper and deeper. to a point in which i never wanted anything else.
there are so many unanswered questions. when school started i knew things would be different, but i had no idea that it would change the man that i knew. the hardest part is it not being normal. not having the same abilities that everyone else has, that they take for granted. & the distance. its so hard. but i think in the back of my mind. if this wasnt meant to happen why has it lasted thing long, through these many things? why has it made us the way we are today? i cant answer those things. im not a mind reader and i have no idea what hes thinking. i call. nothing. im a lover not a fighter, but ill fight for what i love. call me stubborn, annoying, and obnoxious. or call me giving, loving, and strong. call me what you want.
i dont know what more i can do. theres only so much. especially when the recieving person doesnt want it anymore. then it becomes pointless. however, i do want to be with someone who WANTS me. never would i want to force someone to be here. i understand that God has a plan for my life. i have no idea what the future holds. i had no idea what would happen to me two years ago, who knows what tomorrow will bring. my heart wants him. but if its meant to be it will. i love him. 621 days is a long time to walk away from. i have to believe that something else is out there, but i know my heart is crying out. change is so scary, but if i hold on to my faith, which is the only thing that got me through these 621 days, i know i will make it. i just wanted to be that one person i his life that would always be there, the face before he goes to sleep, the touch he needs, the person he sees in his future and dreams standing by his side. i want to be the world for him, i want to be all he ever needs. i just love him.
but that is literally the LAST thing i wanna do… ill figure it all out, this is all part of the learning process huh? 